Black Dog.. google it, see what it means, its quite easy, just click on the hyperlink you’ve just gone past. Depression, anxiety.. did I just spell past properly or should it have been passed?

The curse of the self employed. The second guessing of everything you have ever done, was it right, probably not, its all going to go wrong, its all your fault and you’re going to jail.. you’re.. your, did I even spell that right. Should this be the start of a new paragraph, will google penalise me for writing a blog and should I be a little more american when I write it even though I only want to work locally because I hate leaving the dog on his own so shouldn’t really venture more than an hour away.

Is a cheeky g&t whilst listening to Queen at 11.30pm the best time to write a blog and how when I ask Spotify to play Queens greatest hits should the second song be by KING GVPSV (its good by the way).. am I typing so hard its going to wake the family and why DO THE CATS KEEP LOOKING AT ME!!!!

Who in their right mind would decide to be self employed??? Why did “I” decide this was the right thing to do? This isn’t meant to be a life story (another one bites the dust just started and I can hear myself breathe). I don’t really want to write a blog about me.. I also hate having to go back through everything I write just to add a ”   ‘   ” before every sodding t and after the n… it does my head in!!!

Truth be told, I have no idea, it just happened.

I apologise in advance because I also seem to use the word “I” quite a bit even tho I said I didn’t want this to be about me…

So the story begins.. Sunday… every Sunday.. the curse of the small business owner. It starts great. You’re not working, then the rot begins.. why aren’t you working (I just had to do 10 backspaces for that sodding —->  ‘  ) the curse kicks in.. What didn’t I do, what’s going to happen tomorrow, who will, who wont (why no ‘ in wont???) what excuses this time.. why do I feel so bad about asking for people to just pay on time.. I try to with my suppliers… I’ve done my best so why does my subconscious (thats really hard to spell) and I missed the ‘ on purpose this time.. I hate it….. always convince me I’m a failure.  (scrolls back to the top to start proof reading.. tries his best to ignore thats)

Realises I said “I” way too many times AGAIN… sorry

These are the questions asked by so many small business owners.. Did you know we have a secret club, we meet up every Sunday evening to share our fears of Mondays and how horrible the are!! The 4am wake up by our brains telling us that everything is about to go wrong and looking at the clock whilst desperately trying to go back to sleep (When I become ruler of the world ”   ‘  ” is getting removed from history) but we have failed and even though we don’t know why, something has happened and its all our fault. Even when everything is going perfectly well (unless its a bank holiday) it’s there… ITS A CURSE SUFFERED BY MANY.

Wittering on again.

Look.. Its pretty simple, we do this not to be millionaires (well most of us) we do this because we want to…. (deleted and re wrote about a million times) well, it’s different for everyone. But for most (and I know a few who are in the same boat as me) we do this because… actually… I don’t know, In all honestly I just couldn’t see me working for a company ever again. I fell into self employment and I now have 50 bosses (otherwise known as customers).


Right, it’s now midnight and I forgot why I left my gorgeous wife in bed to come downstairs and start typing.

I know I’m not alone, take a look at my friends on Facebook, there’s loads of us in this situation, we share work, we get a little bit grumpy when someone who does something similar gets something that we could do, yet we’re happy to see them succeed. So if you’re reading this and you sympathise, empathise or just wonder WHY THE ACTUAL FUCK WOULD YOU BE SELF EMPLOYED (I really like this font in capitals.. that’s bad isn’t it) Give us a tag, or a like, or a review, or a share. I feel bad because I should do that too.. Sorry Natalie  queen of HR, Christine the horse whisperer and even Henry from Henrys laptops/golf club (see, we do the same but share business) I should promote you more, we all should. You’re my friends, we’re in the same boat.. and you probably hate ”   ‘   ” that too.


“So, why are you writing a blog at gone midnight” (grammar warning)….  Because people need to know what all us self employed idiots deal with…  I know what you’re all going through and I’m always here on an anxious evening to tell you that the nagging doubt is wrong and you’re doing an AMAZING JOB AND ALL OUR CUSTOMERS SHOULD DO THE SAME (capitals again.. they look kinda sexy).

NOW I need your help too…

Because I feel terrible.. I had to sack someone once and I cried for a week (another reason why I chose to work for myself… they didn’t deserve it but the work wasn’t there) I had to do something similar when I was self employed too, and that was the closest I have come to giving all this up.

But she was made of stronger stuff than me and now she has a great career in front of her (Jenny Hutchinson) I’m so proud of you and who you have become I can’t even take a tiny bit of credit for what you have become (queue positive reply).

I’ve had a tough month.. my customers have had a few tough months and its finally come to the point where we can’t sustain them anymore. Sites have had to be taken down, emails stopped and projects ceased. I FEEL TERRIBLE. It’s not my fault, we have done nothing wrong but as a business I still feel we have failed our customers by doing this.

Come to the pub, I’ll buy you a drink whether (weather) you’re a millionaire or down to you last 10p (ask anyone, they’ll vouch for me), but there has to be a point where you say enough is enough… (I’m not a charity) I’m a small business too, the funds just aren’t there for me to cover the costs of our customers overdue services. I don’t have thousands of pounds in the bank, I can’t continue to pay their bills. Its probably bad business but a chunk of what I offer, I offer at my cost to help my clients (lets face it, google will tell them how much they could get it for elsewhere). Its just services I resell to help my customers stay competitive.

So why do I still feel that I’m letting these people down???

Answers on a postcard please…

If you’ve got this far, thanks for reading my rants, not much more to go… Grab yourself a drink and come back when you’re ready.. no rush (unless your battery is crap or your power settings are wrong… we can fix that).


There’s an awful lot of us self employed mugs out there that need your help. We don’t have an advert on ITV raising awareness for us. We don’t have some hard hitting photo showing how horrible Sunday night anxiety is. We have no massive celebrity explaining how bad it is to cut a fellow business off because they can’t afford to pay their bill and we can’t help them anymore. We don’t get a wage hitting our account on the same day every month guaranteeing our bills will be paid. We shit ourselves at every government budget and how much more its going to cost us, we stress at the end of every month and we work every hour god sends so you can sleep easy.

Any chance you could return the favour?

Give us 5 mins a day, a tag, a link to our website, a share or a review.. (I’ve plugged a few just in this post) it all helps an awful lot. (I’d show you the stats but they’re really boring).

So the post began with Black Dog.. I’d never heard of it before I set up the company, but google him (underlined link).. Kind of apt for what the self employed masses go through.

It doesn’t have to be a sign of stress, depression and anxiety tho.. My own little Black Dog has saved my life. I struggle, I work HOME ALONE pretty much every day. He’s there to talk to, he gets me out of the house when I really don’t want to EVERY SINGLE DAY. He knows when I’m sad and he tries to cheer me up, he knows when I’m happy and he loves to share those feelings with me. But he’s not just there for me, ask anyone about Sherlock Bones and they smile. The Black Dog shouldn’t ever be a sign of depression, he’s the light at the end of the tunnel.

Be more Sherlock, go make someone happy….

So last but not least.. It’s now gone 2am and Queen are singing “Pretender”.. quite apt because I feel like this everyday, am I good at what I do or am I just a pretender hoping that you’ll believe that I’m the real deal… I might have all the qualifications and plenty of happy customers, but that doubt is always there…